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June 20, 2011 / Mettā Reiki Center

Five and a Half Weeks: The Great Reveal.

 

 

Tuesday, June 5th.  Finally, I’m getting to the doctor to see what the HELL is wrong with my stomach.  And why I don’t like coffee anymore.  And why I can’t sleep.  And why my period won’t start. 

I walk in the clinic and find myself a cozy spot in the corner…after running to the bathroom twice to pee.  This happens when you’re nervous.  (I’ve also learned that there are other things that can cause this.)  Between playing solitaire on my phone and exchanging crude text messages with my friend, I was able to pass the time pretty well before a friendly nurse called me back.

On to the scale.  Three years of going to a weight loss clinic and never would have I imagined that I could barf for four days straight…and manage to gain three pounds?  What the hell is that?  Oh, well, no matter.  The doctor will know what’s up.

On to the exam room that is, like they normally are, set at about 58 degrees.  The friendly nurse asks, “What brings you here today?”

Me:  “I think I have the plague.  My period won’t start, I’m puking like a runway model, I can’t sleep and I’m peeing like a racehorse.”

Nurse:  “Is there any possibility you could be pregnant?”

Me:  “Nope.  He’s had a vasectomy.”

Nurse:  “How long ago?”

My mind went blank.  “Um…I dunno…his youngest child is 13?  So after that I guess?”

The nurse looks at my chart, looks at me with the oddest face, and asks, “When was your last menstrual period?”

“April 29th.”

She immediately reaches into a cupboard and pulls out a cup (about the size of a shot glass).  “We’ll need a urine sample, and then we’ll need a blood test as well.”

After my offering of body fluids of various hues, I’m back in the cooler…*ahem*…exam room…wrapped up in a sheet, nauseated as hell.  At least once my doctor came in, I figured he would be his usual no-bullshit-get-to-the-point guy (which is why he is my doctor – I despise doctors that poop rainbows), give me something to calm my stomach down, allow me to put my pants back on and get on with my life.

The doctor walked in and sat down with my chart.  “It’s been a while!  How are you feeling?”

“Like shit, doctor.  What gives?”

“You’re pregnant.”

I laughed.  “Very funny.  He’s had a vasectomy.  Seriously, what do you think is wrong?”

The doctor started to look worried.  “Your tests are all very strongly positive.”

Me:  “Well, I can imagine they’d come back a little positive.  Didn’t the nurse tell you I took the HCG injections at the weight loss clinic?”

Doctor:  “Yes…but…those injections might throw your levels off by a couple of hundred points…if that much…”

Me:  “So what was my level?”

Doctor:  “Over 6,000.”

Somewhere off in the distance I heard a voice that sounded an awful lot like mine say, “…that lying sack of shit…” while the room started to spin.  I saw the doctor very quietly but swiftly get up from his little rolly-chair, push a button under the desk and three nurses rush into the room.  How they were able to walk so evenly while the room was spinning like that was beyond me.  Needle poking one arm, blood pressure cuff squeezing the other, I’m laying back with REALLY cold washcloths completely ruining my makeup job.  The tears didn’t help either.

The nice nurse that walked me inside was holding my hand while the doctor quietly talked to me.  I rolled my eyes when I saw fluids being pumped into my arm.  Yeah, that’ll help the whole peeing every five minutes thing.

Doctor:  “OK…let’s think this through…if he had the vasectomy over 10 years ago, there is a very good possibility that it failed and that he didn’t lie about the vasectomy.  The procedures have changed quite a bit since then.”

Me:  “How could this happen?  My other doctors said this was impossible…”

Doctor:  “You’re in much better health now than you were ten years ago, so I’m not surprised you were able to conceive.”

Me:  “The doctors said then that I wouldn’t be able to carry a child past 3 or 4 weeks because of my health.”

The doctor smiled.  “They lied.  You are about 5 and a half weeks pregnant.”

 

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