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June 20, 2011 / Mettā Reiki Center

Week Five: The River In Egypt.

The rest of June 3rd SUCKED.  I mean, really SUCKED.  Aside of the fact that it was a horrifically busy day at work – AND I was puking like I had a runway show the next day – AND I was in a “minor disagreement” with Lion King…let’s just say that my well-meaning coworker’s suggestion – after my second near-fainting episode and fourth barf of the day:

“Honey…do you think you might be pregnant?”

…was NOT received well.

I laughed.  “Hell no.  He’s been neutered and God won’t let me breed.”

My well-meaning coworker was not amused – and didn’t look convinced.  “Honey…I hate to say this…but you look pregnant.”

I sighed, figuring it was time to head downstairs to the hospital pharmacy and nip that nasty rumor in the derriere before it even started.  I pick up a 4-pack of pregnancy tests (it was cheaper than getting just one, dammit) and head up to a bathroom on a closed unit where I figured no one would disturb me.  I had to laugh at the instructions:

“DO NOT INSERT INTO THE VAGINA”

…Seriously?  The only way that would be on the box is if some dumbass actually DID that.  I did my best to keep from laughing so I didn’t waste precious pee, did the test, set my stopwatch and waited.

It was a plus/minus test.  Plus, you’re pregnant.  Minus, you just wasted $15.

Except this was kind of weird.  I figured since I had been spotting a little bit, I’d get a bright “MINUS”.  But…no…it was a minus, albeit bright, with the faintest little “plus”.  For about two seconds, I felt the saltines I managed to keep down lurch to my throat, but then I remembered…DUH!!! I’ve been going to a weight loss clinic, and they use the HCG injections.  Surely that would throw a pregnancy test to be inconclusive.  Silly me.  OK, just wasted $15 bucks. No biggie.

Just to be on the safe side, since I was just a…*ahem*…little…late, I called my gynecologists’ office and made an appointment for the following Tuesday and headed back to work, assuring my coworker that it was “inconclusive” and everything was fine.

Again with the worried looks.

Of course, just to make absolutely sure…since I really knew there was no way in HELL I could be pregnant, the next morning I used the second pregnancy test.  It’s universal knowledge among the female cougar population that the first pee of the morning was apparently the ambrosia of the pregnancy-test-gods.

“PLUS”.

Oh shit…

I get to work and make an awkward call to Lion King…he’s awkward because he thinks I’m mad…I’m awkward because I should probably explain to him why I sound like I’ve been through a wringer and have developed such a close relationship with my toilet…I nervously explain that I’ve been a little queasy, and that in a silly impulse took a pregnancy test, forgetting that I had taken those weight loss shots.  Well, of course it threw the test.  I’m taking weight loss shots, after all.  Don’t worry, baby, everything will be fine, I’m going to the doctor Tuesday and we’ll find out what’s got my system all out of sorts. 

Since there was absolutely no way I could be pregnant…and in that mindset, I spent the next three days sailing along a nice little river in Egypt.

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