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November 24, 2012 / Mettā Reiki Center

Stepping back.



After our daughter returned home from the NICU, I had begun writing blog posts about our stay in the hospital and the NICU.  I tried to finish the posts – I truly did.  But when I tried to sit down and write out everything that happened, it felt like my throat was closing and I would end up in a heap of tears.  It was one of the many things that kept me from posting anything for several months.

Today, I sat down to write again.  But this time I took a step back.  My friend Heather used to always say, “What is the outcome you are seeking?”  When I initially started this blog, I wanted it to be a place for family and friends to go for a good “belly laugh”, to share our experience of pregnancy and parenting.  When our lives went in a different direction and things didn’t turn out exactly the way we planned, the outcome I desired didn’t change, but it expanded.  I wanted it to be a place where friends, family, and other parents sharing similar experiences could come and learn that they are not alone, that there are others out there that have been through many of the same challenges, and for them to find along with good resources, and some smiles.

When I read back on the posts I had started about mine and Ali’s hospitalization, there were few opportunities for laughter.  Add in a wicked case of post-traumatic stress disorder, and it was like going back in time and put me right back in that place of panic, walking in to the hospital every day praying to God that my sweet daughter would be alive.

That is not the outcome I wanted for someone reading my posts.  I realized that writing about those things was not helping me at this point – it may later, but not for the purposes of this blog.  I also realized that other NICU parents reading it may find it to be triggering, which is the exact opposite of what I want people to experience here.  So in a way, I am putting that out as an apology, and a pledge of a renewed focus on the desired outcome I had to begin with.

When Ali was in the hospital, the one thing that I felt like I was starved for was hope.  My husband and family gave me every last bit of it that they could, but in that situation, it was hard to feel like it “stuck”.  There is hope out there – it always comes with challenges, but that’s how you know that in the end you are truly blessed.  Maybe something I write here will give people a little bit of hope.  If I’m lucky, I’ll even bring some much needed laughter to a parent that desperately needs it, too.



Leave a Comment
  1. Pat / Nov 25 2012 10:16 pm

    I’m so glad you and Ali and the Lion King are doing well, I’ve checked for new posts but didn’t want to intrude on your privacy by asking why you stopped…..all I can say is that I’m glad you are all OK

  2. Unexpectedly Expecting / Nov 26 2012 11:45 pm

    Thank you! And thank you for stopping by. Things are getting much better. We just celebrated her birthday and I’m hoping to get some of those pictures up soon – she was a hoot!

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